There was a week in my junior year when every car ride home from school was filled with a deafening silence. The stress of AP tests, finals, and performances had built so much tension that I found myself arguing with my mom on a near-daily basis.

There was one particular day when my mom broke that silence to ask me about the pink thread of string I had been silently fidgeting with. It was a loose thread that escaped the careless stitching of my tote bag strap, which I had attempted to sew back together after it ripped the week before from the weight of my school notebooks.

It was an old bag I purchased on a trip to Vienna several summers ago, and I insisted on repairing it instead of just buying a new one, as it had already become an extension of myself at this point–it carried all my school and music supplies every single day.  She curtly criticized me for my clumsiness and continued the silence for the rest of the ride.

A few days later, I came back from school to find a large package on my desk. Inside were three tote bags, each with different patterns of musical notes, cats, and gingham–three of my favorite things.

I never imagined that one of my longest, most intense cries would be over three tote bags decorated with cats, gingham, and musical notes. It’d be difficult to pinpoint just one source for my tears–I was filled with so much gratitude, but also guilt, confusion, and regret. I simply could not understand how she could have the heart to gift me with something so personalized, despite the tension we had maintained over the past week.

It was like she had somehow seen through my attempt to hide the fact that the things I had carried in my tote bag were much too heavy for its thin canvas straps, and hoped to take some of the weight off of my shoulders. It was difficult to imagine how much unconditional love and humility she had to have to act upon noticing such a hidden struggle and go on to silently provide abundant support without confrontation, guilt, or drama. I hadn’t even been on my best behavior and very much did not deserve to receive three tote bags with my favorite designs on them.

I hope one day I can love the way my mom loves.